What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
