i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
