I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
