this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
