He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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