I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
