True but thats because hes a fetus.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away