worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
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He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.