if only i could text you this smell
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dating After Heartbreak
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I FOUND THE LEGS