Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
