im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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