if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
