the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
