Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
