oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
