I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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