Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
