dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
