Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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