Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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