How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
