I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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