My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He better not be in your backpack
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
