im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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