I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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