It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
