how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
