I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
