So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
