So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
