Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
