barbara walters just said penis...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
