They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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