It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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