I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
