I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
