True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
