I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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