I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
