How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
