i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
