Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
