the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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