That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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