Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
