I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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