i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
