I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
