i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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