i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
