If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
