hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
