She is in my trunk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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