In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
is that a dick in a sweater?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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