Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
