I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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