Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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