i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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