I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
