rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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