Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
