3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
